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Dear Coach,
I am a very lonely person. Sometimes I fake that I'm chocking so that when someone comes to give me the Heimlich maneuver I spin around so that I can get a hug.  One time I met someone, but I said I had leprosy because I thought that if they liked me something might be wrong with them or they may be from the IRS.  People who like me must  have me confused with someone else, so I usually bake them a cake filled with doggy droppings to scare them off. My question is, what would be the best job for me?  Answer fast Coach, cuz I really need a job.
The Heimlich Hugger

Dear Heimlich Hugger,
You are a very disturbed individual.  It's people like you that forced me to quit my part-time job as a lifeguard.  well, people like you AND the fact that I can't swim very well when I've been drinking.  And dog droppings in a cake?  You need professional help, and fast.
As far as what your ideal job would be, I would suggest you become a test subject for anti-psychotic medication.  That or a javelin catcher.
Coach McGuirk
P.S. - Can't people tell when you're faking leprosy?  I tried it once to get some extra sick days, but I couldn't keep the fake sores stuck to my arm.

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Hey mcguirk
I've got a couple questions
1. If someone asks a penny for your thoughts and you put your 2 cents in what happens to the other penny.
2. if you take a oriental person and spin them stop and do it again stop and do it again do they become disoriented.
Okay heres a serious question I need answered Are you some type of pedophile cuz all you do is teach soccer and hang around kids?
I'm not accusing I'm just curious and last but not least. Have you ever thought about becoming a rapper or a model

                                  that buh Jtmonie16

Dear Jtmonie16,
Do you speak English as your second or third language?  I mean, I'm an idiot, but your letter is almost incomprehensible.  Perhaps you should lay off the sauce before writing brainless letters seeking advice.  But, since I am a professional something or other, I'll try and answer your questions.  Yes, I do have standards, it's just that they're so low most people don't see them very often.
1.  Who the hell cares what happens to the other penny?  I'll tell you what you can do with that penny:  collect about 500 more of them and get me a coffee and a danish so I can get through practice tomorrow.
2.  Who in God's name spins Oriental people around for fun?  If you're going to spin someone, at least spin someone in a wheelchair around.  They can't stop very fast, and they'll probably throw up all over themselves.  That's "mean funny", but funny, nonetheless.
Why is it that you think I'm a pedophile?  I try and date, it's just that women haven't evolved enough to enjoy my lifestyle as of yet.  I enjoy the company of women, but for some reason they don't enjoy my company.  Perhaps it's the raging anger and binge drinking that makes them not like me.  Or maybe it's my mother.  Work with that.
In response to your final question:  no, I will not rap.  It's all clicks and whistles.  But I am considering a very lucrative offer to model for "Stout Coach" magazine.  Well, it's not really an offer, but I intend to crash the photo shoot and place myself in the background for the cover photo.  And I'll be flipping off the camera.
Stay out of my town,
Coach McGuirk

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